Tag Archives: humor

Star Scum

Who’s that surfin’ out in space?
Star scum
Must be that damn human race –
Star scum
Warp nine racing round the suns
With their hot rods and their guns
Careless of their neighbors’ curse
Terrors of the universe
Star scum

It was quieter before
Hearing waves break on the shore
Now the skies are full of noise
Rowdy gangs of girls and boys
Watch out
Here they come
Star scum!

Cosmic wind that blew no good
Brought them to our neighborhood
Spewing gases, strewing junk,
Pretty trinkets in their trunk
Punk planet!

Lock your door and hide your brew
Pull your black hole after you
They will ruin your son and daughter,
“Ugly bags of mostly water”
Star scum!

What a frightening thing to see
Outlaw species on a spree
Livin’ fast and livin’ high
Leaving skid marks on the sky
Star scum

Where’d they come from? On the farm
Way out on the spiral arm
Gettin’ by on luck and charm
Star scum

Blooming like some toxic flower
Since the Union came to power
They’re a race that feels no shame
Now we all know who to blame
Star scum

Nuke pollution – bad tv –
Spread ‘em through the galaxy
Star scum

Techno – disco – pizza pies –
How’d we live without you guys?
Solar slimeballs, cosmic crud
Balls of fire and minds of mud
Put some rubbers in your pants
Grab a humanoid and dance
Who you gonna call?
Star scum!

Do You Know this Guy?

This man loves to explain.
He’ll explain ‘til he’s blue –
or you. Making things plain
is his game. Workings, history –
no mystery will stand.
The man’s obsessed.
He’ll say what he can understand,
ignore the rest.
If you suggest
a topic where he’s unprepared,
he’ll change it,
not inclined to share,
nor to wonder at what’s strange.
Facts stick in his head like glue –
all else runs through.
He needs
the skins and seeds –
has no use
for the juice.
He never gives up cramming for the test
and wondering why the girls are not impressed.

Temptation Song

You offer me your diamonds and your rubies
You tell me I’m your darling, I’m your joy
You offer me your precious stolen moments
You think I think my life is just a toy

You offer me an office and stock options
You dress me in Armani and Laurén
You let me drive the newest car sensation
But baby, please just be my friend

There used to be a moment when I wanted
All the things you say I have to have
There used to be a time, but now it’s over
I tell you, honey, it’s too late for that

Give me some heart-to-heart action
Give me some relief
Give me a little satisfaction
Let me live in peace

Don’t elect me president or put me on TV
Spare me all the interviews and things to get for free
Dust your victim’s clothing off and give him back his hat
Don’t you dare apologize, it’s way too late for that

Just give me some heart action
Show me a little pink
If you can’t pour out your feelings, honey,
Pour me another drink

Guru Blues

As I wander through this valley of disaster and ennui,
I keep looking for a teacher with a clue on how to be.
Sometimes a fellow seeker sends the message, “This is it!”
But I haven’t met a swami yet who wasn’t full of shit.
Some are into ice cream sundaes. Some are into Cadillacs.
Some are into all the groupies they can charm onto their backs.
Some can monologue for hours on their detailed talks with God,
Some can doodle on a zither with their eyes rolled up like cod.
They’re exotic and mysterious, and they know just how to please
the petitioner for glory who approaches on his knees.
But they rarely stop to listen, and they never pause to doubt,
and they can’t agree among themselves what life is all about.
They won’t sleep in someone’s hovel if the palace has a room.
They expect surroundings tidy, but they won’t pick up a broom.
So if I find a teacher with the word on how to be,
I will pour us both a whiskey and go sit upon his knee.
But until the day I find the way and all my wandering ends,
I’ll put my faith in kindness, and seek wisdom from my friends.

Flying Monkey Song

Once were some critters came from the sea
Thought they’d see what they could see
Climbed up in the nearest tree
Said, Hey mama, won’t you look at me

Unidentified flying monkeys.
Fly, fly, fly, monkey, fly

Tree to tree to tree they swung
Grew themselves an opposable thumb
Climbed back down to get them some
Watch out, sabretooth, here they come

Race around like a forest fire
Chasing every new desire
Always tryin’ to get a little bit higher –

Kinda funky
flying monkeys
fly, fly, fly, monkey, fly

Dolphin Song

I want to be a dolphin, that is what I want to be
I won’t have to work all day in that land beneath the sea
I won’t be called by creditors where everything is free
And you can have my furniture, my clothes, and my TV

I will not vote for president, I will not care who wins
Won’t have to hit a keyboard with my flippers or my fins
Won’t care what’s in my bank account, I’ll never pay a fee
When I’ve given up my arms to swim the freedom of the sea

Won’t listen to commercials, won’t be buying any junk
No storm will ever sink me, ’cause I’ll already be sunk
I’m going to join the dolphins now if I can find a way
‘Cause all I want to do in life is sing and fuck and play

I’ll learn to live on sushi, give up chocolate and caffeine
and pass up every chance to interface with a machine
Don’t try to send me e-mail, ’cause I won’t be found online
Don’t set up an appointment ’cause I sure won’t know the time

We’ve been told the hills won’t hide us, so why bother with the hills
Let’s run into the ocean and then try to grow some gills
It’s dolphins, and not humans, who live naked, wild, and free
It’s dolphins who put down their arms, so they’re the folks for me